Santa Caught in Massive Wealth Redistribution Scheme

By Thomas Quinn

Santa Claus, a.k.a. Saint Nicholas, an alleged toymaker and gift-giver based at the North Pole, is at the center of a wealth redistribution scheme of global proportions. The “Father Christmas Plan” calls for the world-wide dispersal of unearned income (usually in the guise of nutcrackers, bicycles, dolls or video games) to every household on earth. Beneficiaries of the unfunded giveaway would receive this largess for nothing more than being “nice.” The IRS has launched an investigation into how the Jolly Old Elf sustains such an enterprise, which has no apparent source of revenue.

The target of this vast welfare scheme is apparently children, who would wake up Christmas morning with the idea that generosity is a good thing. The Federalist Society is fuming. “The guy’s a socialist, plain and simple, and he’s spreading it across the globe. Look at that red suit! We need to know where he gets his funding. Are his elves forced to join a union? And is that sleigh even flight approved?”

Incredibly, the operation involves no less than a billion acts of breaking and entering, usually through the chimney. (No one is sure how he gets into solar-powered homes.) The U.S. Border Patrol and the U.S. Trade Commission are both shocked that the Claus scheme involves repeated border crossings without a passport, and the importation of Christmas treasures while evading permits and tariffs. “He’s a threat to national security,” say officials. “We’ve got no paperwork on him. How do we really know what’s in that bag?”

The ASPCA also is reviewing the impact of all this on Santa’s eight reindeer. “Around the world in one night? In the dead of winter?” said one spokesperson. “That’s sounding like animal cruelty to me.” Others were more concerned with the “fallout” from having a herd of deer hovering over private homes all night. When asked to comment, Santa merely stated, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Then he drove out of sight.