Virgin Birth… No Kidding

By Thomas Quinn

‘Tis the season for really bad sex advice. Face it, Christmas, or Hanukah for that matter, are not the best occasions for talking about sex. The holidays are a time for schmaltz: sappy songs, achingly wholesome TV specials, and fashion crimes that range from horrid reindeer sweaters to garish wreath broaches. Sex doesn’t really fit well into that nerdy milieu. And after all, it’s a time of year that hovers around the miracle of a virgin birth.

There are a lot of problems with the virgin birth idea. First, it’ll get you an “F” in Biology. Second, it proves that abstinence is no guarantee against teenage pregnancy. Third, virgin birth idea is just a bad concept to begin with. The pain of childbirth without the joys of sex? Who thought this was a good idea? Certainly not a woman. Oh yeah…that Yahweh guy. All powerful, but kind of a control freak when it comes to the naughty stuff.

Despite the huge fuss we make over the Virgin Mary giving birth, she wasn’t the first to pull off this feat. Earlier pagan god-men like Egypt’s Horus, or Dionysus, or Attis from Greece, were all products of a virgin birth—usually of a godly father and a mortal woman. Dionysus, the god of grain and the vine, was a son of Zeus, king of the gods, and Semele, a mortal woman. But she remained a virgin because Zeus impregnated her with a bolt of lightning. Must have been some honeymoon.

Frankly, it’s a little insulating for the mother of Jesus to be saddled with the Virgin Mary moniker, as if not having sex were her greatest accomplishment. That seems unfair. Nobody talks about the Circumcised Jesus, even though he was snipped on what is now the Eighth Day of Christmas. (Maybe that’s why it has eight “Lords ‘a Leaping.” Ow!) At one point, the medieval Church claimed to have preserved Christ’s foreskin. Apparently, they didn’t throw anything away.

Of course, there’s debate about whether or not Mary was actually a virgin. The Greek word used in the New Testament referring to her translates literally to “young woman.” And as we know, assuming a young woman is a virgin is never a sure bet. They’re not identical categories. In California there’s almost no overlap at all.

Yes, Mary was a nice Jewish girl in the first century. But she got news of her pregnancy while she was still only engaged. What would everyone think? What would Joseph think? If your fiancé ended up pregnant and she told you it was a miracle, would you buy that or would you go looking for this Holy Spirit guy with a shotgun? Bottom line, Virgin birth is more trouble than it’s worth.